On January 2nd I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. My husband and I were trying, so this wasn't a surprise. I was already feeling symptomatic: tender breasts, fatigue, slight nausea. At the 10 week appointment we found out that we had a healthy heartbeat! Then, my doctor, who is also a childhood friend, gently paused, reexamined the sonogram, and informed me that there were actually two heartbeats. I responded with, “Yeah, the baby's and mine." She responded with, “No, Jean, there are two baby heartbeats." After uttering an expletive and feeling the room spin around me, the reality hit me. I am having twins! How is this possible? The miracle of creating just one life was baffling and exciting, but TWO??
Twins do not run in either of our families; we had had a natural conception. So, how did this happen? Well, it turns out that for women over 30, there is a 1 in 90 chance to conceive twins due to an increase in eggs dropped per ovulation. While I did suffer from a couple of weeks of anxiety dreams, I felt proud of my body after reading that statistic. I was a healthy vessel, capable of creating and supporting two lives. It didn't take long for me to settle into this reality, this blessing, this absolute miracle of the female body.
For me, pregnancy was a choice that took many years. I remember talking with my sister about it four years ago, saying that I intended to get pregnant, but that I didn't feel ready. My soul knew that there was work to be done before I could create and support another life. I have committed the past two and half years to self-care, self-awareness. self-inquiry and teaching these practices to eager and inquisitive students in Sacramento. It has been such a fruitful and rewarding time. I have been the recipient of such generosity, love and support, and feel that I have offered the same in return. This reciprocity of the heart's work has really supported my soul.
During this time my husband kept asking me if I was ever going to want to get pregnant. I kept telling him that when I was ready I would know. One day in September of 2016, I woke up and said, "I'm ready." I felt that my soul was healed and I was a healthy vessel to begin this new journey. Within a couple of months, I was pregnant.
Without my practice of listening to my soul's desire, I believe I would not have had such an easy time conceiving. I also believe that my pregnancy would not be as easy. Because I was willing to listen to my inner voice, and not be influenced by the "shoulds" or the voices of others, I find myself in a place to truly embrace and enjoy this unique and wondrous time of creating and supporting life in my body. I have chosen to stop teaching so that my last 10 weeks can be devoted to self nourishment, preparation for the hard work ahead, and enjoying this time with babies in my body. I feel so blessed in this life, and that these babies are going to receive all of the love that I have been cultivating.
So now, I can just move slower, be quieter and take the time to listen for the next calling from my heart.
My wish is that everyone reading this will take time to find a pause and some stillness, so that you can listen to this deep calling of your soul. The answers are not immediate, but eventually you will hear the calling.
With Love,
Jeanne Marie