For those of you who are familiar with astrology, I have a Gemini moon sign, and this full moon is in Gemini. It's been a particularly intense one for me. Full moons cast a bright light on our dark, or shadow side. This full moon is a supermoon and it's shining a light on our big contradictions and conflicts. Here comes the deep work, folks.
The shadow side, layers of influence that are mostly unseen, unknown and unconscious, are alive in me affecting my relation to others on a daily basis.
My dark side includes a cast of unconscious characters, that become enmeshed with my personality. One character that often makes her appearance is Perfectionist Penny.
At some point, my young self learned that in order to be truly loved I must be an achiever, a perfectionist, a people-pleaser. Then, I believed, when I felt loved and affirmed, there would be peace in my heart and mind. I would be eternally happy.
This young girl is alive in me and is still working hard to feel unconditional love. She is not at peace, but in conflict and control mode. She still believes and practices this work of casting her shadow on those who are her teachers and influencers, saying and doing what she thinks they want, which can be in conflict with what is true for her. This little Jeanne just wants someone to give her unconditional love, like a pill to ingest and so that she can finally feel its presence in her heart.
Unconditional love has made some brief house calls. A wash of emotion and unmistakable ease. It has never taken residence. But it's kept me seeking.
For now, I just observe my little Jeanne. I will practice taking a breath and a pause before responding to a situation where I feel in conflict.
This is my deepest work, to trust that speaking my truth, in kindness and respect, will allow unconditional love to inhabit my heart...and trust that others will still love me.
I know I am not alone in this work. We need to be lights for one another, to shine a light on this dark, unloved space. This is my intention, that by speaking this truth we all can start to acknowledge it and begin the slow, imperfect process of surrendering to deep, unconditional self-love.
Feel your conflict, know it, get close to it, study it. Where are you seeking love and affirmation? How does it feel when you say "yes" when you really want to say "no"? Are you considering your needs and desires? Pause. Breathe. Choose consciously.
Thank you for walking this path with me in love and acceptance.